Tag Archive for ‘jokes’
Can you Bear It?
One liners: If at first you don’t succeed, blame your computer. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. If you take your laptop for a run, you jog your memory. I went to see the eye doctor in Alaska. Turned out to be […]
April Crossword by Max
The winner of the Marist Messenger prize for the March Crossword was Robert Thomson of North Sydney, NSW, Australia. Solution for April Across: 1 Prophet, 5 Arena, 8 Utter, 9 Introit, 10 Beatification, 11 Side, 12 Pyx, 13 RCIA, 17 Excommunicate, 20 Godhead, 21 Third, 22 Nurse, 23 Yardman. Down: 1 Plumb, 2 Outward, 3 […]
Can you Bear It?
What did the hat say to the scarf? I’ll go on ahead and you hang around. “My uncle in Melbourne tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Holden, the tyres from a Porsche, and the exhaust system from a Honda”. “Really? What did […]
Can you Bear It?
The army captain spoke sternly to the corporal: “Corporal, where’s that horse I told you I wanted shod?” “Did you say shod?” said the corporal. A priest was invited to a party. He was properly dressed, wearing his priest’s collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the […]
Can You Bear It?
A moral conundrum for golfers: what do you do when your opponent claims to have found her ball in the rough and you know she is a liar because you’ve got her ball in your pocket? “Why don’t you play golf with Ted any more?” said the wife. “You two used to play together often”. […]
Can You Bear It?
“It’s my husband, doctor, he thinks he’s a hen”. “Good heavens, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” “I would have, but we needed the eggs”. After giving a speech at the businessmen’s club, the bishop said to the reporter covering the event, “When you write your story, I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention the […]
Can You Bear It?
The doctor had an urgent call from a man saying his small son had swallowed a fountain pen. “I’ll come right away”, said the doctor. “What are you doing in the meantime?” “Using a pencil”, was the reply. _____________________________________________ The bore was describing his experience at the Grand Canyon. “There I stood”, he declaimed, “drinking […]
Can You Bear It?
A burglar decided to steal from the safe in a corner dairy. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob”. He did so. Straight away a heavy sandbag fell on his head, the whole building was floodlit, […]
Can You Bear It?
An English professor wrote the words ‘A woman without her man is nothing’ on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: ‘A woman, without her man, is nothing.’ The women wrote: ‘A woman: without her, man is nothing.’ Punctuation is everything! After the christening of his little sister, Johnny […]
Can You Bear It?
One day, an employee received an unusually large pay cheque. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her cheque was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,” the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?” Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can […]
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