Tag Archive for ‘clean jokes’
Can You Bear It?
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks. “115,” I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, “Your height?” “5 foot 8,” I say. The nurse checks and sees that […]
Can You Bear It?
A young man and a priest are playing a round together. At a short par 3 the priest asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?” The young man says, “An 8-iron, Father. How about you?” The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.” The […]
Can You Bear It?
College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!” Father: “What, son?” College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?” Father: “I certainly do.” College student: “Well, you get to keep it.” Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup. While Tom was getting dressed, the […]
Can You Bear it?
A driver got a speeding ticket and went to pay the fine. The police clerk issued a receipt for payment and the annoyed driver said, “What am I supposed to do with this?” “Keep it,” the clerk advised. “If you collect enough of them, you get a bicycle!” A guy bought his wife a beautiful […]
Can You Bear It?
A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word. “Oh, my” she said, “Just change that to ‘George died.'” The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum. “Well,” she said, “make that ‘George died, Ford for sale.'” My neighbour banged […]
Can You Bear It?
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?” “Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.” The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church on Sunday and found several letters waiting for him. He opened one and […]
Can You Bear It?
A retired man volunteered to entertain the patients in the hospital. He took along his portable keyboard, told some jokes, and sang some funny songs. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too”. A turtle is crossing the road when he’s […]
Can You Bear It?
A man walks into a bar and it’s empty – it’s just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst…that colour looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to […]
Can You Bear It?
Once upon a time there were four people named Everybody, Anybody, Somebody and Nobody. When there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did. When Nobody did it Everybody got angry, because it was Somebody’s job. Everybody thought that Somebody would […]
Can You Bear It?
Having been married for fifty years, the wife was asked what advice she would give to a newly married couple. She said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” Everyone then looked at the husband, who said, “She’s probably right.” An American tourist in Paris asked a local what the […]
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