Can you bear it?

A priest dies and, dressed in his best vestments, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Immediately in front of him is a chap dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter says to him, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’ The man answers, ‘I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, from Auckland.’

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.’ So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the priest is next in line.

Without being asked, he declares, ‘I am William Jones, parish priest of Saint Mary’s for the last fifty years.’ Saint Peter consults his list and says, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

‘Hold on’ says Father Jones, ‘that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?’ ‘Up here, we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.’

Tomorrow’s scientists’ exam bloopers:

-     Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

-     Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

-     The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

-     To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

-     Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Even if you’re on the right track, you can still get hit by a train!