Can You Bear It?

It’s 2012 and it’s the Olympics in London ...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a New Zealander want to get in, but they haven’t got tickets.The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

“ McTavish , Scotland,” he says, “Discus” and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.. “ Waddington-Smythe , England,“ he says, “Pole vault” and in he walks.

The Kiwi looks around and picks up a roll of No.8 wire and tucks it under his arm.

“Clarkson, New Zealand” he says, “Fencing.” and walks in.

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night and I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPhone.”

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!

A patient hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.

“I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I’d hate to feel like this if I was well!”

So a pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from a little bird poop.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”