Can You Bear It?

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word.

"Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'"

The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.

"Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Ford for sale.'"

My neighbour banged on the wall at 4:30 am this morning! Can you believe it??

Lucky I was awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted, "Can we have a little respect please?"

I shouted back, "I'm not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this one's for you!"

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn't talking to me.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, "What companies?"

Gas, water and electricity.

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-colour language and was shocked.
"Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?"
"I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins," replied Johnny.
"Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?"
"Oh Miss Rollins, I do," said Johnny. "It means the car won’t start."

I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.