Can You Bear It?

An elderly teacher shuffled into class on the first day of the university year. He surveyed the students for a time and then said, “If you expect me to remember your names, please sit in the same seats each day.” After a pause, he added, “And don’t ever change your clothes!”

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Joe was showing off his new hi-tech $8,000 hearing aids. “They look fine,” said Jack. “2.15,” replied Joe.

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A retired professor of church history was on his deathbed. All was quiet, and one member of the family said, “I think he’s gone.” Another member of the family at the foot of the bed said, “No, his feet are still warm. No one ever dies with warm feet.” The eyes of the old professor blinked open and he whispered, “Joan of Arc did!”

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The pastor was using examples from the garden to illustrate his message. “We are a lot like flowers – and God knows just how to make each of us grow. For example, roses must be planted in the sun, but impatiens thrive in the shade.” Afterwards, a member of the congregation thanked the pastor, saying, “Your sermon was so helpful! I always wondered what was wrong with my impatiens!”

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“I once sang for the King of Spain,” said one of the choir members during practice. “Really,” said the woman sitting next to her. “Well, that’s what he told me. He said that if I were a singer, then he was the King of Spain!”

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The ticket inspector recognised the elderly bishop on the train as he fumbled for his ticket. “It’s all right, my Lord, I know you wouldn’t travel without a ticket,” said the inspector. “But I must find it,” said the bishop. “I don’t know where I’m going!”