Can You Bear It?

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow two centimetres of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief sadly told him, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."

“Will you have a drink, Vicar?” asked a new parishioner on whom the clergyman had just called. “No, thank you, for three reasons. I have to conduct a service in half an hour. I am president of the local temperance society. And third, I’ve just had one!”

A man involved in a court case that could go either way asked his lawyer if it would help if he sent the judge a case of whisky. “Good grief, no,” said the lawyer. “That would put him right against you.” When the case was finished with a decision in his favour, the man said, “Well, it was the whisky I sent the judge that did it!” “You did what?” said the lawyer. “I sent him a case of whisky, but I used the other bloke’s name,” was the reply.

A furniture company sent a letter about an account that was overdue: “Dear Mrs Jones, What would your neighbours think if we had to send a van to your house to repossess your furniture because your account is overdue?” Came the reply: “Dear Sir, I have discussed the matter you wrote about with my neighbours to see what they would think. They all think it would be a mean, rotten, dirty trick!”

The new assistant priest decided to use a visual aid for his homily. As he began, he put a live worm into a jar of alcohol. The worm struggled and died. “What can we learn from this demonstration?” he asked. Someone answered, “If you drink, you won’t have worms!”

The preacher announced that after the service, there would be a meeting of the board. The board gathered and found a stranger among them. “Friend,” said the preacher, “do you know that this is a meeting of the board?” “Yes,” replied the visitor, “and after today’s sermon, I suppose I’m just as bored as anyone else!”