Can You Bear It?

A man went to his doctor and said, "Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse." The doctor asked the man to look out the window. "Tell me what you see," he said, pointing. "I see the sun," the man replied. The doctor turned to him and asked, "Just how much farther do you want to see?"
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What do you call a Capuchin who writes profound theological books? A deep Friar!
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One of my wife’s pupils was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mummy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.”
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Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last!
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To resolve conflicts between editors and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word ‘nitpicking.’ An editor leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?”
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Me: Sobbing my heart out: "I can't see you anymore...I'm not going to let you hurt me again." Gym Trainer: "It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up!"
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A man was returning from a visit to France. As he was in line for the customs inspection, an agent asked about a bottle hidden in his suitcase: "And what's this, sir?" he asked. "It's a bottle of holy water from Lourdes," said the man. The agent uncorked the bottle, took a whiff and said, "This is brandy!" "Praise the Lord,” cried the man, “it’s another miracle!"