Can You Bear It?

It has been scientifically proven that 97% of people are stupid. Fortunately, I belong to the other 5%!

Three good mates from Our Lady of Kapiti church were asked, “When you’re in your coffin, and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say”? Bill said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man”. Jack said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives”. Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving’!”

The assistant priest went to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he was sitting there, he noticed a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and took one. Then another, and another. By the end of the visit, the bowl is empty. He says, “Mrs. Jones, I’m so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts”. “That’s okay”, she says. “They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back in the bowl”.

Christian Living teacher: “Maggie, I want you to memorise today’s motto: It is more blessed to give than to receive”. Maggie: “Yes Miss, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business”. Teacher: “How wonderful of him! And what is his business”? Maggie: “He’s a boxer”.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire ... and so, we’ll almost certainly never know for whom the Tells bowled!