Can You Bear It?

One liners:
He had a photographic memory that was never developed!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat!
Runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat!
A man dreamt he was a muffler. He woke up exhausted!

Teacher: Why did the priest pass by on the other side of the road?
Bright student: Because he saw the man had already been robbed.

During a practical exercise at Duntroon, the instructor was teaching unarmed self-defence. He presented a number of different situations in which the recruits might find themselves, then asked one of them, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife”? The recruit replied, “big ones”!

Boss: Do you think you can come in on Saturday? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here. Employee: No problem. I’ll probably be late though. Public transport on weekends is slow. Boss: What time will you get here? Employee: Monday!

A thief almost got away with stealing a number of paintings from the Louvre. He managed to get the goods into his van, but was captured two streets away when he ran out of petrol. Asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such a stupid mistake, he replied, “Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh”. (Bet you thought I lacked de Gaulle to tell a story like that!)

The assistant priest, a non-gardener, was delighted to see the parish priest working in the garden. He gushed over the fence, “The garden is looking lovely. Isn’t it marvellous what man and God can do when they work in harmony”? “Maybe”, said the parish priest, “But you should have seen the mess when God had it on his own”!

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking”! The doctor calmly responded, “Now settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient”!