Can you Bear It?

One liners:

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your computer.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

If you take your laptop for a run, you jog your memory.

I went to see the eye doctor in Alaska. Turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

Sometimes I think I understand everything - but then I regain consciousness.

The difference between ‘gossip’ and ‘news’ is whether you hear it or tell it.

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

You don’t need to wear spurs on both boots. If one side of a horse starts to run, so will the other.

A candidate for Confirmation was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. She wrote, “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7”.

The student went to sleep in English class, so the teacher threw a book at him. “What hit me?” said the student. “That”, said the teacher, “was a flying Chaucer!”

A preacher finished his temperance sermon with great fervour: “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river”. The congregation cried, “Amen!” “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river”. The congregation cried, “Amen!” “And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river”. And the congregation cried, “Amen!” The preacher sat down, the deacon stood up and announced, “For our final hymn, let’s turn to page 126 and sing, ‘We Shall Gather at the River’.”

Policeman: Do you have permission to play your violin on Lambton Quay?
Busker: No.
Policeman: In that case, I must ask you to accompany me.
Busker: Certainly! What are you going to sing?