Can you Bear It?

What did the hat say to the scarf? I’ll go on ahead and you hang around.

“My uncle in Melbourne tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Holden, the tyres from a Porsche, and the exhaust system from a Honda”. “Really? What did he get?” “Fifteen years for theft”.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

An older man, not in the best physical condition, went to the local gym. He approached one of the trainers: “I want to impress a beautiful young girl. Which machine should I use?” The trainer took one look at him and replied, “Use the ATM machine outside!”

After giving a long-winded speech, the speaker finally says, “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home”. A voice from the crowd says, “There’s a calendar behind you!”

He: “This article says women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men use only 15,000 words”.

She: “That’s probably because a woman has to say everything twice”.

He: “...What?”

The parish priest said to a farmer, “I missed seeing you at Mass on Sunday”. The farmer replied, “Well, I had some hay to bale. I thought it was better to sit on a tractor thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay”.

My face in the mirror
Isn’t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn’t dirty,
The cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on.