Can you Bear It?

A small boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad, I challenged Barry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons”. “That seems fair”, said his father. "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

A cowboy in Oodnadatta, outback Australia, lost his favourite Bible while he was checking on the cattle. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really", said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover".

A young woman who was worried about her bad habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No", she replied, "but now I can reach my toenails so I bite them instead".

The skydiving instructor was telling the class that the main parachute should be opened at 1500 metres. If that didn't work, the backup chute should be opened by 1200 metres. One student asked "How long do you have if neither chute works before you land?" The instructor replied, "The rest of your life".

Lawyer to witness: "You say the defendant was drunk?".
Witness: "Yes, drunk as a judge".
Judge: "You mean drunk as a lord".
Witness: "Yes, my lord".

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

The Scots invented golf, which might explain why they invented Scotch.