Can You Bear It?

Two architects were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. ‘We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole,’ said one, ‘but we don't have a ladder.’ The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse and measured the pole. ‘Twenty-one feet, six inches,’ she said, and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed. ‘That’s not much use. We ask for the height and she gives us the length.’

A man bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. A friend of his said, ‘I thought she wanted one of those gorgeous four-wheel drive vehicles?’ ‘She did,’ he replied, ‘but where could I find a fake jeep?’

Walking out of the cinema at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder, a lady turns to the man and says, ‘Your parrot actually seemed to understand the film. It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even squawked during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be.’ The man replied, ‘I don't understand it either. He hated the book.’

A truck driver had to deliver a hundred penguins to the Sydney Zoo. As he was driving through the Nullarbor Plain, his rig broke down. He waved another truck down and offered the driver $500 to take the penguins to Sydney Zoo for him. The next day the first truck driver arrived in Sydney and saw the second truck driver crossing the road with 100 penguins walking in single file behind him! He jumped out of his truck and said, ‘What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to Sydney Zoo!’ The man replied, ‘I did take them to the Zoo. And I had money left over so now we're going to a movie.’

How to be a hero: 1: Name your iPhone ‘Titanic’; 2: Plug it into your computer; 3: When iTunes says, ‘Titanic is syncing,’ press cancel; 4: Feel like a hero!

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.