Can You Bear It?

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents took their daughter aside and expressed their concern. Trying to be diplomatic, the mother said, ‘Dear, he just doesn’t seem like the nice kind of boy you’ve gone out with before. He’s not really that nice.’ ‘Oh come on, Mum,’ said the daughter. ‘If he wasn’t that nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?’

One night a burglar decided to break into a safe in a corner dairy. On the safe door there was a note that read, ‘Please don’t use explosives. The safe is not locked. Just turn the handle.’ Being an obedient kind of chap, he followed the instructions. A heavy sandbag fell on his head, the entire store was floodlit, and an ear-piercing alarm went off. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, ‘My confidence in human nature has been terribly shaken.’

An elderly man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, ’Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.’ The old man didn’t move. The usher became more impatient. ‘Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.’ Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old chap, but with no success. Finally, they called the police. The police woman surveyed the situation briefly then asked, ‘All right, sir, what’s your name?’ ‘Fred,’ the old man moaned. ‘Where’re you from, Fred?’ asked the police officer. With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied, ‘The balcony!’

The blind violinist was merrily sawing away one Sunday near Ballydehob and people were dancing. The parish priest was sighted in the distance. The dancers scattered, but the blind man went on playing. ‘Don’t you know you are playing on the road to hell,’ shouted the priest. ‘No I do not, Father,’ replied the man, ‘but if you’ll whistle it for me, sure, I’ll give it a try!’