Can You Bear It?

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"OF COURSE IT'S HIGH!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-colour language and was shocked.

"Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere! Where on earth did you learn that?"

"I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins," replied Johnny.

"Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?"

"Oh Miss Rollins, I do," said Johnny. "It means the car won’t start."

It's been a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk.

Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

Q:  What has more lives than a cat? 

A:  A frog. It croaks every night.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
• Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• Last night my wife was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
• Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
• Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.