Can You Bear It?

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do."

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

Rose accompanied her husband Tom to his annual checkup.

While Tom was getting dressed, the doctor came out and said to Rose, "I don't like the way he looks."

"Neither do I," she said. "But he's handy around the house."

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes...

And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

Every morning I announce that I'm going jogging, but then I don't. It's a running joke.

I hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items 1, 3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs. 

Getting Old

I couldn't hear you, so I'll just laugh and hope it wasn't a question.

I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made me an appointment for Tuesday.