Can You Bear It?

“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. “My father's new car.”

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher entered Plymouth Church on Sunday and found several letters waiting for him.  He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool!” To the congregation on Sunday he said: “I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the first instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy. 

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" 

"Sure! Twenty-five hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthetist!"

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

A woman was having a problem with her bedroom closet door. It would fall off the hinges whenever the bus went by. She tried several times to fix it herself, but the door would still fall off when a bus went by. She finally called a repair man. He showed up, looked over the door and found no problem. Then the bus came, and sure enough, the door fell off. He said that he was going to step inside and for her to close the door behind him. As soon as the door was closed her husband came home and heard her talking to someone in their bedroom. He burst in, demanding to know who was in there. Before she could answer he looked in the closet and found the repairman and asked, “What's he doing in there?” The repairman said, “You're not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for the bus....”

A student burst into his professor's office and says, "Professor, I don't believe I deserve this F grade that you've given me!"

To which the professor replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award."