Can You Bear It?

A man walks into a bar and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink.

He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst...that colour looks nice on you."

He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?"

The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

The day had been long and the psychiatrist had seen many patients. Wearily she sighed, locked her desk, turned her hearing aid on and left for home.

The confessional was so busy that the priest advised ten-year-old Andy, “It’s very busy and I’m sure you haven’t committed murder since your last confession. Off you go.” Emerging from the confessional, Andy told those waiting that Father was hearing only murder cases today!

People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian." Well, no one’s laughing now!

A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!"

She said, "I can teach it good manners." 

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, "Did you learn your lesson?" It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. 

The parrot said "Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?"

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. 

Two antennas decided to get married, the ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!