Can You Bear It?

Once upon a time there were four people named Everybody, Anybody, Somebody and Nobody.

When there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

When Nobody did it Everybody got angry, because it was Somebody’s job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but no-one realised that Nobody would do it.

So it ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Adam and Eve had the ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Found on Headstones

• Here lies an Atheist. All dressed up and no place to go.

• Anna Wallace: the children of Israel wanted bread, and the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, and the Devil sent him Anna

• Sir John Strange: Here lies an honest lawyer and that is Strange.

• Remember man, as you walk by,
as you are now, so once was I. 

As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me. 

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 

To follow you I’ll not consent
until I know which way you went.

A bank robber pulled out a gun and pointed it at the teller, and said, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replied, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber said, "Don't change the subject!"

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"