Can You Bear It?

Having been married for fifty years, the wife was asked what advice she would give to a newly married couple. She said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at the husband, who said, "She's probably right."

An American tourist in Paris asked a local what the colours red, white and blue signified in the French flag. “It stands for our taxation system,” he said. “We go red in the face complaining about it, turn white when we get the bill and become blue after we’ve paid it.” “We have a similar system,” said the American, “only we see stars as well!”

A woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she was putting some coins into a blind beggar’s cup. He stooped gallantly to pick it up for her. “You’re not blind as your sign says you are,” she said. The beggar replied, “No. I’m working for my brother. It’s his day off!”

Every Sunday the social club goes for a mystery jaunt in their community bus. For some extra fun they conduct a sweep for fifty cents and try to guess what the destination will be. Bert the bus driver has won the first three sweeps!

A few one-liners:

Do all fairy tales begin with the words, “once upon a time?” No. Some begin with the words “if I am elected.”

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa!

5/4 of people admit that they’re not good at fractions!

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!