Can You Bear It?

A man said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?” “Yes,” said God. The man asked, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like one dollar?" “Yes,” said God. The man asked, “God, can I have one dollar?" “Sure,” said God. “Just a second!”

Passengers on a ship were astonished to find out that the captain could not swim. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

A little boy was about to go into the church for catechism class and was worried about where to leave his bike. “Don’t worry,” the priest said, “The Holy Spirit will look after it.” Class began, and the priest asked the little boy to make the sign of the cross. The boy said, “In the name of the Father and of the Son, Amen.” “What happened to the Holy Spirit,” said the priest. The little boy replies, “He’s outside, looking after my bike!”

After a long absence, the vegetarian daughter called her parents and said she was coming home. Said the father to the mother, “Our prodigal daughter is coming home! Kill the fatted zucchini!”

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper. "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Having done some financial planning, I found that I could retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes!