Can You Bear It?

Real Estate Agent: "This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one street south and a slaughterhouse one street north". Prospective Buyer: "Goodness gracious! What are the advantages?" Agent: "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing".

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Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear! Herb: Does it upset you that much? Blanche: Not just me, the whole congregation!

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Jim: I had a beard like yours once, and when I realised how it looked, I cut it off.

Tom: And I had a face like yours once, and when I realised that I couldn’t cut it off, I grew this beard!

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A Catholic priest and a Methodist minister stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They were going to hold up the sign for each car that passed. "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as she sped by. From around the corner they heard a big splash. "Do you think", said the minister to the priest, "we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge washed out' instead?"

After he’d been to the races, Joe met his friend Bill. Joe said, “You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me, what's the date today?" "July seventh". "Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I arrive at the races at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue". "Let me guess", Bill interrupted. "You put everything you had on number seven in the seventh race?" "Right". "And he won?" "No. He got seventh!"