Can you Bear It?

An atheist went to court to plead a case against Easter and Passover Holy Days. He claimed that atheists were being discriminated against because they had no holy days. After listening to the argument presented, the judge banged his gavel and declared "Case dismissed!" The lawyer objected to the ruling, saying, "Your honour, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays”. The judge leaned forward, saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant”. The lawyer said, "Your Honour, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists". The judge said, "The calendar says 1 April is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God'. Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, 1 April is his day”.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies”. “Oh! Killing any?” “Yep, three males, two females”. “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone!”

There was a big celebration in the church, and several former parish priests and the bishop were there. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little girl answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally".

The architect stared at the heap of rubble that had been a house he designed. “What happened?” he asked the builder. “Blowed if I know”, said the builder. “We took the scaffolding down, and plop! The whole lot came down”. “You fool”, said the architect. “I told you to leave the scaffolding in place till the plumbing and wallpaper were put in!”

Cannibal chief to son: “How often have I told you not to talk with someone in your mouth?”