Can You Bear It?

“It’s my husband, doctor, he thinks he’s a hen”. “Good heavens, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” “I would have, but we needed the eggs”.

After giving a speech at the businessmen’s club, the bishop said to the reporter covering the event, “When you write your story, I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention the anecdotes I related; I may wish to use them again in other speeches I’ve been asked to give”. The reporter obliged by writing, “The bishop told a number of stories we can’t print”.

A musician died, leaving strict instructions that her flute was to be buried with her. “What do you think of that?” a friend asked the widower. “I thought it was a blessing she didn’t play the piano!”

Two seagulls were flying over Bondi Beach on a beautiful summer’s afternoon. The beach was crowded. Complained one seagull to the other, “Takes all the skill out of it, doesn’t it?”

“What’s the new priest like?” “Ok, except for his sermons. After you’ve been listening to him for two hours, you look at your watch and it’s only been twenty minutes”.

There was cause for concern at a recent nudist convention. A large hole was found in the fence surrounding those gathered. Police were said to be looking into it.

A group of tortoises were playing poker when they ran out of beer. They pooled their money and sent the smallest off to buy some more. Two days passed, and there was no sign of him. One of them said, “I think he’s run off with our money”. A small voice came from the corner, “Any more smart remarks like that and I won’t go at all”.

Student nurse: “Doctor, there’s some writing on this patient’s foot”. Famous doctor: “Ah, yes, that’s a footnote”.

A church mouse told his mate that he was leaving as all the singing in the new-fangled liturgy got on his nerves. “Come and stay where I do, it’s nice and quiet”, said the other. “Where do you live?” He replied, “In the poor box!”