Can You Bear It?

Rich man: “I began life without a cent in my pocket”. Another rich man: “That’s nothing. I began life without a pocket”.

Customer: “You’re sure one bottle will cure a cold?” Chemist: “It must, madam. Nobody’s ever come back for a second”.

“Isn’t it strange that Tim can be so lucky at cards and so unlucky at the races?” “That’s not strange. At the races they won’t let him shuffle the horses!”

Why do Spanish aircrew wear gumboots? Because the rain in Spain falls mainly in the plane!

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their service personnel insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the service insurance to the new recruits, and then said: “If you have this insurance and go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have this insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000. Now”, he concluded, “which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

A teacher gave her class of 7-year-olds a lesson on the magnet and what it does. In a written test the next day, she included this question: “My full name has six letters. The first one is M. I am strong and attractive. I pick up things. What am I?” When she marked the papers, the teacher was astonished to find that 50 percent of the students answered the question with the word “Mother”.