Can You Bear It?

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, “Hey Mom...what’s this?”

“Oh...that’s an old typewriter,” she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. 

“Well what does it do?” they asked. 

“I’ll show you,” she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

“WOW!” they exclaimed, “that’s really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?”

“There is no plug,” she answered. “It doesn’t need a plug.”

“Then where do you put the batteries?” they persisted. “It doesn’t need batteries either.” she continued.

“Wow! This is so cool!” they exclaimed. “Someone should have invented this a long time ago!”

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.”Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?” he asked. 

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother. A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue. 

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Are you giving up?”

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.

What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye, Matey!”