Can You Bear It?

A salesman from a mortgage refinance company telephoned Sandra. "Do you have a second mortgage on your home?"  

"No," she replied.  

"Would you like to consolidate all your debts?"  

"I really don't have any debts," she said.  

"How about freeing up cash for home improvements?" he tried.  

"I don't need any. I just recently had some done and paid cash," she parried.

There was a brief silence, and then he asked, "Are you looking for a husband?"

Two elderly women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organised in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?” 

“Yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” 

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” 

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can’t put it down.

In a grammar lesson in Year 10, Mrs. O’Neill said, “Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Paul replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Paul,” responded Mrs. O’Neill, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best mark possible,” said Paul.