Can You Bear It?

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store.

“Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

I went to the doctor the other day.

She told me that I needed to get some exercise. So I went to McDonald’s.

My wife wanted to know why I went there.

I told her the doctor told me to get some extra fries.

She made me an appointment with an audiologist.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar. I replied, “Is that a fret?”

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?’’ He said, “How flexible are you?’’ I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays’’

Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?”

Wife: “Ha ha ha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have cake’!”

Patient 1: “Why did you run away from the operation table?”

Patient 2: “The nurse was repeatedly saying ‘don’t get nervous’, ‘don’t be afraid’, ‘be strong’, ‘this is a small operation only’, things like that.”

Patient 1: “So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?”

Patient 2: “She was talking to the surgeon!”

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant twice a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.