Can You Bear It?

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.” “Oh, great,” the man said, “What is it?” “It’s called the door.”

Interviewer: “You have no experience in this field - and yet you’re asking for a rather high salary.” Applicant: “Yes, work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandad. Looking at pictures of his grandad in his army uniform, the boy asked, “Grandad, did you ever kill anyone in the war?” “No son, I did not.” “That’s a good thing.” “You’re telling me,” said grandad. “I was the cook!”

Visiting the USA, an Aussie and a Kiwi go to a pastry shop. The Aussie whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice. The Aussie says to the Kiwi, “You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!” The Kiwi says to the Aussie, “Watch this, a Kiwi is always cleverer than an Aussie.” He says to the baker, “Give me a biscuit. I can show you a magic trick!” The baker gives him the biscuit which the Kiwi promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, “Give me another biscuit for my magic trick.” The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, “Give me one more biscuit...” The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Kiwi eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “And where is your famous magic trick?” The Kiwi says, “Look in the Aussie’s pocket!”

Loving wife, from the kitchen: “Oh sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, beef or lamb?” Grateful husband from in front of the TV: “Thank you, darling. I think I’ll have chicken.” Loving wife from the kitchen: “You’re having a peanut butter sandwich. I was talking to the dog!”

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. - Groucho Marx