Can You Bear It?

An American and a Czechoslovakian lawyer were trekking through the Rockies, when they were confronted by a male and a female bear. One of the bears grabbed the Czechoslovakian and killed and ate him.
The rangers were soon on the scene. They asked the surviving lawyer which bear had killed his friend. He replied that he thought it was the male bear. So the rangers killed the male bear, but they couldn't find the remains of the missing lawyer. So they  killed the female bear. Sure enough, they found the remains of the lawyer inside her.
The moral of the story is, of course, never trust a lawyer when he says the Czech is in the male!

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of it. ‘Are you crazy?’ yells the customer. ‘Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!’ ‘What?’ says the waiter, ‘you want it to fall on the floor again?’

A groom wanted to surprise his bride on their wedding day so he arranged with the bakery to have a Bible verse written on the cake. He chose 1 John 4:18, which reads, ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’ But the baker, not being very familiar with the Bible, got the book wrong. On the day of his wedding the groom was surprised to find the cake inscribed with John 4:18, which reads, ‘You are right when you say you have no husband. The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband!’

Shop owner: ‘Thank you for shopping here. I wish I had twenty customers like you.’ Customer: ‘Goodness, it's nice to hear that, but I'm surprised. You know that I dispute every invoice and always pay late.’ Shop owner: ‘I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred!’

A child comes home from her first day at school. Her mother asks, ‘Well, what did you learn today?’ The little girl replies, ‘Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.’