Can You Bear It?

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails. The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds -- so many, in fact, that by the time he leaves it’s 9 p.m. Realising he’s extremely late he runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house and rings the door bell. His furious wife opens the door. ‘Where on earth have you been?’ she yells. The husband waves back to the snails, ‘Come on, lads,’ he shouts ‘We’re nearly there!’

The editor of the Hokitika Guardian, furious over several decisions made by the Westland District Council, published the following headline: ‘Half the District Council Members Are Crooks!’
Many council members were outraged, threatening him with court action and putting tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: ‘Half the District Council Members Are Not Crooks!’

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, ‘How much money do you make a week?’ A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, ‘I make $300 a week. Why?’ The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and yelled, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay, now get out and don’t come back.’ Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy good-for-nothing did here?’ From across the room came a voice, ‘Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.’