Can You Bear It?

An angry customer called the newspaper office, asking loudly to know where her Sunday paper was. “Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow.” There was quite a long pause followed by dawning recognition … “Well, that explains why no one was at church!”

More gems from scientists of the future:

-- to collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide

-- isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound

-- thunder is a rich source of loudness

Snappy one-liners:

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

The Zen master to the hot dog vendor: “Can you make me one with everything?”

Some Christmas jokes:

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
The letter “D”!

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Santa Claustrophobia!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail!

Who delivers cat’s Christmas presents? Santa Paws!

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!