Can You Bear It? – Jokes for the family

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50p per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then she says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Angus McPherson died’.” Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read.......‘Angus McPherson died. Golf clubs for sale’.”

The  Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I  asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an  older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he  said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket  to the person to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said.  “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull  the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: “Windows frozen.” Husband texts back: “Pour some lukewarm water over it.”Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer’s given up completely now.”

THE SENILITY PRAYER

May God grant me: the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Guy 1: “It’s the wife’s birthday today. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.”Guy 2: “So what did she ask for?” Guy 1: “She said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, just give me something with diamonds.’, And so I’m giving her a deck of playing cards.”

A cowboy comes into the bar and says to the Lone Ranger, “Your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don’t look too good.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He notices that there isn’t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

Another cowboy walks in and says, “Whose white horse is that outside?” Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, “That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?”

“Nothing,” replies the cowboy, “I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.”